Not So Sweet16

Do you ever talk to yourself? Before you begin feeling self-conscious, IT’S OK! Just don’t start ANSWERING yourself. Or rather, if you do, certainly don’t ever admit to doing so. I talk to myself – you KNOW you do, too! Often it’s when I’ve made a mistake or done something dumb and I quickly begin calling myself derogatory names; “Stupid”, “Idiot”, “Crazy” just to name a few. Other times, its when I am driving down the road and am contemplating an impending decision or difficult task; Almost always, I begin talking to dad. Yes, I do pray – but in this instance, I mean my FATHER – my Daddy. The tangible “super-hero” most little girls (and even adult girls, too!) believe him to be. I ask his thoughts, and often find myself saying “Yes, I know….whatever makes me happy”. My dad was always that way. As long as it wasn’t a decision of compromise or going against principles I was brought up on, my dad’s “go-to” answer was ALWAYS “Whatever makes you happy, baby”. Even if that choice was taking me away from home at 22 years of age, to begin a life in “the Big City” of Nashville; or dating the boy he didn’t think was good enough for me, or cutting my hair (GASP! Anything above my shoulders was considered “too short”! What IS it w/men and long hair?!!!?) I digress. Talking to my dad is a daily occurrence. Even though his voice is not audible, his presence is with me everywhere I go. Anytime there is a major decision; a really GOOD day, a really BAD day, a South Carolina game (Yuck! One of the few times I wish I didn’t feel his presence. I can still hear his *Evil Laugh* when S.C wins, especially if they beat my beloved Clemson Tigers) or anything else of valuable weight happening in my life, he is almost physically here. It often stops me in my tracks when someone says something EXACTLY how my dad used to say it, or look similarly, talk/dress similarly. It’s like he sent cheap imitations of himself back to earth to keep me on my toes.

 

*Smile*

 

Lately, I have been thinking and often times saying out loud, the things I wish I could say to my Dad. Some are completely unimportant things you probably say to your dad, mom, brother, sister, etc on a daily basis. Others are things we all SHOULD say more often than we do: How was YOUR day, Dad? What do YOU want to do today, Dad? Can we just sit beside each other and chat? Let’s go on the porch and share the paper over coffee, Dad. Why doesn’t he/she like me like “that”, Dad? Want to do lunch, Dad? Just us? What do you have going on, today? Busy? Hey, let’s go for a drive up in the mountains and look at the leaves changing colors.  When did you know/realize/get told you were truly making a difference? What were your aspirations as a child? What is your biggest dream that came true? When did you know you were in love with Mom? How did you know she was “The One”? Who was your childhood best friend? When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? I could go on and on with questions I want to ask my dad. As a kid/young adult, you assume you have your whole life with your parents and they seem immortal. You don’t normally think about the fact they may not be around to walk you down the aisle or see their first grandchild. No, we just imagine life will never end.

 

Here is a challenge; if you have someone in your life who means something special to you – tell them how you feel. Right now. Life is precious. Life is FAR too short. Life is LOVE. Don’t take for granted, the things you can say right now to make a difference in someone else’s life. After all: In the end, we have so little time to say what we really feel.

When my Dad was diagnosed with cancer in January 2010, my entire world as I had known it, for 27 years, turned on a dime. NOTHING was about me anymore. Every phone call, every song I heard, every free day or weekend – everything reminded me of Dad. I found myself calling him just to say “Hi, how are you this morning”? because I had no idea how much longer I would have that opportunity. Turns out I had not nearly enough time.

 

No matter what I do, where I go, what roads I travel down in life, nothing will ever erase the last 2 days I had with my dad from my mind. I sat by his bed, I talked to him about things I will never repeat to anyone, ever. Some things I know he heard, and he responded as he could. Other things I said and asked, he was simply too weak to comment on. After he passed away, I thought nothing would ever motivate me to do anything, ever again. I wanted to do nothing but lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. But we had a funeral to put together, family coming in from out of town, a revolving door of friends and family-by-choice stopping by to bring food and offer prayers, words of condolence, hugs, whatever we needed…WAY too many decisions to make. Plus, as the oldest child, I felt responsibility for making sure my mother was “ok” – wasn’t too stressed, was eating something, etc. I didn’t let myself grieve for a long time. I simply wouldn’t stop. I didn’t want to “feel” anything, and I felt as along as I was on “Auto-Pilot” I wouldn’t have to feel the loss, and emptiness of not having my Dad around anymore. Looking back, I see how bad a decision that was. I was freezing out my emotions, and in the process of trying to appear strong, hurting those who cared about me most.

 

 

On this, the 16th anniversary of his passing, I want to share an excerpt from my journal: Aug 3, 2010: Tuesday was a very important, and difficult day for me. It was my parent’s 36th Anniversary. To backtrack, I can remember Aug 3 1999, when I planned a surprise 25th wedding anniversary for them and it went off without a hitch. They were floored. Everyone was there and the night was wonderful. Little did I know, 11 yrs later, my dad wouldn’t be around for their 36th. . I’m still sorting through a lot. I can’t imagine how my mom feels every day. Luckily, my sister and I spent Tuesday with mom and kept her busy. It was a sweet day, full of sweet memories as we completed another “first”. It’s sad how every major moment in life now, is going to be considered a “first”.  The “first” movie we see without Dad, the “first” anniversary/birthday/holiday, etc without Dad, the “First” boyfriend/job/car/memory without Dad. Every little thing matters in a totally different way now….

 

 

I was doing SO well. I was walking the tight rope of life, with no net beneath me, and no fear of falling. Life had become blissful. I have found happiness again. My days are full of sun, smiles, laughter…pure bliss. Then came the night of July 2nd. I was reading through emails, only paying slight attention – while packing up memories and a lifetime of dreams and plans, into a few (Actually it was around 60) boxes. Suddenly I froze. There it was, right in front of me. 6 letters that now have the ability to stop me in my tracks and bring chills to my soul. C-A-N-C-E-R. The evil curse had struck again. But this time all bets were off. It didn’t just rear it’s ugly head at a middle aged man or woman – it was an innocent, dependent, 10 month old baby. My sweet baby cousin. No matter the amount of time that passes, each time I hear of someone overcome with this terrible disease, I fall apart. I truly FEEL their pain; the loved ones, who sit back and feel helpless, who watch their family member or friend go through the daunting task of getting radiation or chemotherapy, the daughter/sister/friend who watches her parent/sibling/friend literally fight for their life. I feel it all. I know what it’s like to lay in bed at night and cry yourself to sleep; to go for a run, hoping you somehow get lost and end up in “Wonderland” like Alice – only to find nothing is, what it seems – and wonder if maybe, just maybe, the horrible truth, that someone is your life has cancer, maybe ISN’T really the truth after all. I have been there. So on July 2nd when I read those words – ” (he) has been diagnosed with cancer” – I fell apart. I cried for a long time. I cried for my little cousin, who doesn’t even know or understand what is going on. I cried for his parents – my cousins – who are younger than I and have just entered the lowest valley they could ever imagine walking through. I cried for the millions of other people who received the same, sad news that day – that they too, had cancer or some other form of deadly disease. Then I sprang into action. My immediate thought, as it usually is in most situations, was “What can I do to help, or fix this problem”? Sadly, there is nothing I can do to take cancer away. However, I was already in talks and early planning, to do a concert with a full band in my hometown of Morganton, NC. I looked at re-orchestrating the idea as a way to do what I love and still help my precious cousin. I started making calls, calling in favors to musician friends of mine, and before I knew it – I had 2 other friends who signed on to perform with me, 2 musicians willing to play for free, a friend with a graphic design company who offered to do promotional posters FREE of charge, a local newspaper willing to run 2 ads for free, and a facility with EVERYTHING (amps, mics, stage, drum set, etc) being offered free of charge. It is SO incredible and exciting when you sit back and watch GOOD PEOPLE, willing to help and support good causes. After a full day of emails, making plans, set lists and decisions – I sat down to clean out my very full inbox and came across this email I received last year, while going through my own dad’s battle with cancer, by his side. I wanted to share it with you:

 

The Desires of His Heart (Jennifer Erin Valent) “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 (NIV) When I was young, my girlfriends and I used to play a game where we would choose different ideals we had for our lives, from whom we wanted to marry, to what car we wanted to drive. Life seemed so simple then! In just one short game, I could plan my life out from start to finish. Funny thing is, I never did marry Johnny Depp, I don’t live in a mansion, and I don’t drive a Porsche. Well, I was young, and it’s certainly a blessing that I didn’t end up having to live out the life I planned for myself then. But what about now? As an adult, I’ve had plenty of dreams for my life. I think I’m pretty intuitive about myself, and I’ve got a good idea how I think things should go. And since Scripture says the Lord will give us the desires of our hearts, shouldn’t these things be coming to pass? Maybe not. The Lord knows a whole lot more than we give Him credit for, and maybe what He has planned for our lives doesn’t match up with what we have planned. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'” (NIV). What a promise! In just a few words, this verse tells us how much God loves us and how much He wants to bless our lives. He wants our short walk on this earth to be worth so much! But then, what about those desires of our hearts? Where do they fit in? As the Potter forms us, we begin to know Him more. His thoughts become our thoughts. That’s when God does more than grant us the desires of our hearts; He actually provides us with those very desires. We no longer want what we want, we want what He wants. And it is most certain that whatever the Lord wishes to bring to pass in our lives, He also desires to freely give us. We’re so often caught up in our own ideas that we forget to listen to His. What a difference it would make if we had God’s best intentions at heart. If we could just step out in faith that our Father wants our very best, and that of all things on this earth, we could never have better than what He gives. What peace that would bring to us all. What delight that would bring to our Lord. And what gifts that would place at our feet when He both provides and fulfills the desires of our hearts!

 

~~When I cant find the words from my own heart to adequately express what I feel, I often “borrow” other writers’ words. Or I journal. This has become my “online journal”. Losing my father (for those of you who don’t know, he died Thursday, May 13th 2010 @ 11:45 am.) was the hardest things I have ever gone through, in my life.   I was standing by his bedside, holding his hand, and telling him about every 10 seconds how much I loved him, how he was my hero and who I wanted to make most proud – and begging him to just say he loved me once more. He squeezed my hand about 30 minutes before he died but the last time he told me he loved me was the day before.

I can still feel the way his hand felt against mine. I can still feel his bony arms under my head – where I stayed pretty much around the clock as much as my mom would let me, the last few weeks of his life. I can still hear his painful coughs, that kept me up most all night, every night for the last week of his life. I would give anything, anything in this world – to be kept up at night, listening to him cough, if it meant he was still here on this earth. I can still feel his hand squeezing mine, I can still hear him, feel him, see him, in everything I do – everyday of my life. He’s like a ghost that is always here – in my dreams, in my thoughts, prayers, wishes.

I wish every guy/man in the world could have taken a course on how to be a man/daddy/husband from my dad, cause he would surely have been the most amazing man in the universe. These are all things I wish I told my dad on a regular, daily basis, but sadly I waited until the last few weeks of his life to let him know how much he meant to me. We had some amazing conversations the last few weeks of his life. I talked to him about some serious things, he offered advice/suggestions on things I had been struggling with – just some really special times. I will treasure those moments for the rest of my life….

But that doesn’t take the pain away. It doesn’t make me forget. He’s gone. And he isn’t coming back. I’m left here to continue trying to live my life – but a huge chunk of that life is gone. To my friends – you are the best. I could not have asked for more. Thank you for letting me cry, laugh, ask questions out loud, make absolutely no sense at all, stare at the wall and not say a word. You all are what got me through this.  For those of you who had the opportunity to know my father – I hope your life was as blessed as ours. He truly had a way of making everyone feel better about themselves – either that or be scared to death! ha! To my Dad – I hope I make you proud, and I hope I turn out to be half the person you were. If I can do that, I’ll have done a pretty good job with life. I will always love you. Forever and ever.

 

I don’t write a lot of blog posts these days, but I couldn’t let today go by without reminiscing on my father’s live, and his legacy. I miss him every single day, and I cling to the hope that I WILL see him again.