I don’t trust easily, and yet it seems when I feel myself letting guards down a little more, something happens and UP they go, again. Each time, the walls I so carefully put up around my heart and soul are stronger and stronger, until sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever be able to get through them. Yesterday was a big disappointment. It seemed everything that could go wrong, did. By the end of the day, I was in a really bad mood, and knew the best thing to do was distance myself from everyone. Everyone has good days and bad days; its just a part of life.
The funny thing is, just this past week I have spoken with two different people about how incredibly at peace, and happy I am in every scenario of life. Ironically, the past year has been crazy and completely up-ended. Being very Type “A”/OCD/Libra-ish, I am very much a planner. I am not a fan of surprises, I want to be prepared and not find myself in unfamiliar territory. Thus the reason for my surprise at how well the past year has gone. Admittedly, the “peace” has come in “pieces”. It’s only been around since I took my hands off of my life and completely surrendered control to Christ. I have always tried to handle things on my own, and though I would pray over decisions, and seek the Lord’s leading, my own thoughts and feelings seemed to be best. The funny thing is, ever since I let go and “let God”, my life has been completely crazy!
If we aren’t careful, three things we as humans struggle with the most, will totally steal our peace and joy. There will always be circumstances that are uncontrollable, people who are unchangeable and problems that are unexplainable. We must place our trust in Someone much more capable of handling our struggles than we are – His plan is bigger and better than we could ever fathom. If we do this, slowly but surely, peace will find us.
I have found myself in a complete sense of struggle, confusion, questioning, and doubting lately. To be completely honest, I have been hurt. I have extremely high expectations for myself, and in turn, high expectations from people in my life. I want everyone else to care as much about integrity, honor, respect and morality as I do; to strive their hardest to be caring, concerned, loving and compassionate. When people don’t live up to these expectations, I get let down and disappointed. It has only been recently that I’ve been able to accept that most people *Aren’t* going to, in the future, or *Don’t*, even now, care. If they do care, it’s normally not at the level that I do. Through a series of recent events, I finally stepped back, looked at several different situations and realized there would never be anything I could do to change things. It was only then, I was able to walk away and leave my disappointment and hurt in the past.
These recent events really got me thinking; How many times do I let God down? How often do I go about my entire day without thinking to even say “Thanks” for the day He has given me? How often do I go to bed at night without extending love and thanks for the bed I am going to sleep on? I let so many people down, every single day, but I am thankful that God never lets me down. I feel more and more peace everyday, but it only comes to me in pieces. Through trials and obstacles and the grace of God, I realize He is filling my life with the peace that passes all of my own understanding. The coolest thing, in my opinion, is not only that God was willing to come to where we are, but He loves us too much to leave us there; instead, He makes us into the people He planned for us to be all along. I hope one day I am able to live up my fullest potential – the life Christ envisioned for me; a life full of peace.
God is at the forefront of my life – for good reason. He rocks my world. To sit here and even begin to try and explain some of the ways He has come through, even when in my headstrong state, would be crazy. Two weeks ago, it seemed there were nothing but brick walls being built in front of me, and my day was crappy. In frustration and near tears, I called the person I find myself calling in most situations, and my mood immediately lifted. Reminding me of God’s purpose, plan and ability to work things out, in HIS time – not mine, this person helped me see the positives when all that seemed visible were the negatives. Within five minutes (no exaggeration) someone else shared with me a situation SHE was in, and how frustrated she and her husband were – and guess what the resolution was? She and I helped each other out and in turn, had our dilemmas solved. God has a way, when there seems to be no way. For sure. Psalm 37:4 has always been my life verse, and it seems fitting, here. Look it up. =)