Being OK with Not Being OK

These simple thoughts have stuck with me, ever since reading them in a book by a local author. I so often transfer my feelings to someone, or some situation that is totally out of my control. Instead of enjoying my time with someone, I am feeling some sort of way towards them based on something they said/did/didn’t say/didn’t do, and it ruins the whole experience. This not only is unfair to the unsuspecting person, but it ruins my mood, my day, and of course, my time with the person.  

I also have struggled for a long time with things not being exactly how I needed or wanted them to be. I am very “TYPE A” and want control over how things play out, almost always. It’s just in my nature. I’m very much a take charge kind of person. I’ve struggled with allowing things to be “OK”, even if they weren’t how I planned.
However, I have walked through many a season that was excruciating. Where pretty much everything about the whole situation was completely the opposite of how I wanted, needed, and was led to believe things went.  I fought very hard, for too long, to fix the circumstances, (everything from difficult jobs, relationships ending and my dad’s diagnoses and death from cancer) certain that God’s “plan” was to fix everything and allow me to continue on with how *I* thought things were supposed to be. I am embarrassed to say my first inclination was not to relinquish control to God and allow Him to lead. I prayed, I begged, I tried to orchestrate scenarios to appear as though it was “God’s will”, and every, EVERY time, things fell apart right in front of me.   After much too long, I gave everything over to God to deal with. Almost immediately, everything was different. Not necessarily the situations I found myself in at the time. No, regardless of my prayers, my dad still died, relationships still ended, and some jobs did, too! But DUH! I knew this was how things would go, but previously, I wasn’t ready to let go and LET GOD.  But, once I did, I became “OKAY WITH THINGS NOT BEING OKAY”, because in the end, things really WOULD be okay. And they are.  I am. I am now in the best place I’ve been, emotionally, physically, spiritually in a long time. This is because I finally LET GO and realized IT”S OK that I did.
Obviously, I give God the credit, because it is all because of Him. However, He strategically placed certain people, some of whom I knew and have had in my life for a long time, but also others I didn’t previously know, that just sort of landed in my lap.  Some of those people said things to me that they had no idea would impact me in the way they did. One person, in particular said to me “I think God placed me in your life to help you see that better things ARE out there”.  I just had to open my eyes and allow myself to be willing to discover that they ARE.  Things weren’t ok for the time I was holding onto how I thought things should go.  It was in large part because I had/have this friend who was willing to let me laugh, talk through things, and truly heal.  Finally, finally, I healed.   Below are some things I’m working on, to be the best version of myself that I can be. It’s a daily exercise because none of this happens overnight. But, I’m learning to be patient. 

Choose to Transform instead of Transfer

Be OK with things NOT being OK

Stop being selfish

Choose to love others MORE than being right

Move past needing to be the center of everyone’s life

FULLY and COMPLETELY trust in a higher power (for me, that’s God)

Have Courage

Prune Your Life Garden (Get rid of people who don’t contribute positively to your life)

I’ve said I give God all the credit for bringing me through any and all hardships, and I do. But we all are also created with internal strength an individual, apart from anyone who may or may not be in my life. We have strength within us, to get through ANY and ALL adversities placed along our path. Don’t let someone else try and place a value on you or your love, work, etc. YOU are good enough. YOU are pretty enough. YOU are strong enough. YOU ARE ENOUGH. 
Never again do I want to allow myself to be defined by a situation, a person, a job I did/didn’t get, or a relationship that did or didn’t go the way I hoped. I am ME. Imperfect, full of flaws, bad days, negative attitude, and days where I fail. 
BUT, thankfully, also full of joy, smiles, peace, happiness, positivity, and days where I succeed. 
I am ME, and I’m so thankful for the person HE created me to be. After all, I am created in HIS image, and that’s the only image I need to strive to be like. 
I’m not perfect, but IT’S OK TO NOT BE OK.

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